


Can I Keep You?

by LLReid



Category: Bloodbound (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon LGBTQ Character, F/F, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Human/Vampire Relationship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Suicide Attempt, This is set during BB2, Vampires, abuse recovery, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:47:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25377889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LLReid/pseuds/LLReid
Summary: Inspired by; I Know You by Skylar Grey & Ocean by Lady A & Just A Kiss by Lady A.~~~~~“I'm still so ashamed. The truth remains. I was, and am, disgusted with myself,” she confessed quietly, her arms tightening around her instinctively. “Like it was something I did. Like I somehow took advantage of how I looked. Like I made it too easy because I didn’t always say no. I was never held down kicking and screaming but I... I still felt violated. I let him care for me and I let myself care for him in some sick and twisted way despite the fact that all I ever really wished was that I was invisible to him, to everyone.”Anastasia caressed her cheek. “Not saying no isn’t saying yes. Nothing he did to you was your fault, Kamilah.”“I—,” she cleared her throat, the wheels in her head turning. It seemed like Anastasia’s arms was that place where she could find her soul again. Where she could touch that part of herself that she’d never dared look at before. In her entire life, she had never heard a more eloquent silence. When she did speak, her voice was so fragile that she sounded like someone else entirely than the version of herself that everyone else saw, “No one has ever said that to me before.”
Relationships: Kamilah Sayeed/Anastasia Swann, Kamilah Sayeed/Main Character (Bloodbound)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	Can I Keep You?

If someone had told Kamilah that there would ever come a time when she’d be knocking on a mortal’s door at six in the morning in nothing but her nightgown, she’d have never believed it. She was the type of woman who had needed nothing and no one for so long that relying on other people had become something foreign to her. Yet there she was. It was six in the morning. She was half dressed. She was standing outside Anastasia’s door, silently praying to whichever gods were willing to listen that her girlfriend wouldn’t have fallen asleep yet.

A slight tremble wracked through her entire body, a lingering side effect of the nightmare that had woken her up in a terrified daze of unpleasant emotions. She’d dreamt of Gaius and one of the many times he’d taken her to bed, of just one of an uncountable number of times where she had neither agreed nor disagreed to sharing her body with him... and he’d taken her regardless. She felt sick and unsafe, but when she thought of safety Anastasia’s arms were the one place that came to mind... so there she was.

She just wanted to sleep. A coma would have been nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of those thoughts, the whispers in her mind that haunted her. She found herself wondering if he had raped her head, too. This was precisely why she avoided sleeping whenever she could. She simply did not sleep, regardless of how much she needed to. All night long she was wide awake, thinking, secrets, secrets, secrets. There were secrets in her past no one needed to know. Secrets in her present that might get people killed. But she wanted to be free of everything.

“Kamilah?,” Anastasia yawned as the door opened. Her hair was a mess and sleep lined her eyes. When her gaze met hers, her blue eyes filled with questions — and, perhaps, love. If Kamilah hadn’t already fallen in love with her, that would have done it. 

“I— Can I sleep here?,” she said so quickly that there was barely a breath between each of her words. “Please. I— Just— I—“

“Shhh, it’s okay,” soothed Anastasia as she stepped aside and welcomed her inside. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to... but you know you can, right? You’re safe here. With me.”

Kamilah practically lunged into her arms, and Anastasia just stood there and hugged her in the doorway and didn't say anything for a good long moment. There wasn't anything to say that needed to be said before the act of physical comfort. Sometimes there just were not enough words to fill the cracks in a person’s heart. Sometimes, the things people didn’t say could be louder than the words that came out of their mouths.

She didn’t have alot of people to talk to or rely on. Not alot of people were worth her time, but Anastasia was. And this, this was about trust. That was what it was all about. She needed her and she trusted her, and she knew that if you can't trust the one you love, you don't have anything.

“When I look into your eyes, I don’t want to see the horrors I know are written there. I want to see joy and warmth. The world will knock you down plenty. You don't need to be doing it to yourself. It’s my natural instinct and desire to protect my girlfriend from the world's bitterness,” the mortal murmured whilst gently stroking her hand up and down the length of her back. “So before you apologise or thank me, this is not something you have to thank me for, okay? You’re not burdening me.”

Every muscle in Kamilah’s body relaxed. She hadn’t realised just how much her relationship with Gaius had messed her up until she began seeing Anastasia. Everything she thought that she knew about relationships had turned out to be wrong. Everything that Gaius had done and said and expected from her, Anastasia was the complete opposite. With her, she wasn’t tense and constantly waiting for a blow to come. She wasn’t afraid of her, or of doing or saying the wrong thing. She could show weakness without being ridiculed for it, instead of being punished she’d be comforted and told that it was okay. She’d never had that before.

She hadn’t yet told Anastasia the extent of what Gaius had done to her, but she knew that the girl saw all the things that she never quite said. If she hadn’t already arrived at the conclusion, she at least suspected certain things that were unmissable the closer she and Kamilah grew. So many facets of her behaviour and mannerisms were typical of abuse survivors, and after more than two thousand years of it... it sometimes seemed to Kamilah that she was nothing more than a well dressed fraud.

The ancient vampire kissed her forehead, allowing her lips to linger against her skin for longer than she really had to. She wanted to taste nothing unless it was the sweetness of her mouth, the musk of her arousal, the salt of her tears, wanted to touch nothing unless it was the silk of her hair, her soft curves, wanted to breathe nothing unless it had come from her lungs. For thousands of years some secret part of her had hoped that someone might one day see beyond her scars to the woman she was inside. But Anastasia was doing more than just ignoring her ugliness. She was accepting it with an angel’s gentleness, her touch soothing memories of savage pain, grief, and loneliness.

“You’re so good to me,” she whispered as the mortal began leading her to the bedroom by the hand. “Will you at least let me apologise for waking you up? You only arrived home at four and now it’s six... and you start working at two.”

“You know I don’t sleep much.”

“You may be the only mortal who requires as little sleep as vampires do... but I—“

“Kami,” Anastasia interjected. She lay down on her bed and shifted towards the middle, knowing how Kamilah preferred to sleep on the side that held most of her scent. She’d never actually admitted how her scent soothed her, but Anastasia noticed those things. “It’s okay. I promise it’s okay.”

Kamilah nodded and curled up in her arms with her head rested on the mortal’s chest, her ear pressed against the skin above her heart. Her eyes drifted closed and she sighed happily, listening to the steady thumping that may as well have been her own personal lullaby. A quiet peacefulness stole through her, dimming the sharp sense of over-alertness and danger that lurked in the darkness like a shadow on a wall. Her arms tightened around her, the pressure fierce but not enough to hurt her fragile body. She was looking at her as if the whole world waited for her next breath, with an intensity that made Kamilah’s heart pound and her palms sweat and then Anastasia smiled, a sweet curve of her mouth, and her breath caught.

“How do you do that?,” she breathed, nuzzling against her chest as nimble fingers began stroking the wispy strands of hair at her temple. “How do you... lighten up the darkness?”

The stars could have burned out around them, the moon could have fallen from the sky, and Kamilah wouldn't have known it. Not when she was holding her against her chest the way she was. “Just a talent, I suppose.”

“Merely fifteen minutes ago I felt like I was breathing my last and was convinced that someone was going to kill me.”

“If anyone is going to kill you, it will be me. Unless someone magically finds my black t-shirt that she claims to hate. Understand?"

Kamilah snorted, a toothy smile spreading across her face. She may or may not have stolen the t-shirt after discovering how comfortable it was to sleep in, but she’d never admit it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure,” Anastasia nodded, pressing a kiss against the crown of her head.

“Will you protect me?,” she whispered. Why? She didn’t know. She didn’t need anyone’s protection and she knew no one could protect her from Gaius... but the words just slipped out before she could stop them.

“Until the day I kill you." She jabbed a finger into her side, where she knew she was most ticklish, and Kamilah squealed with pained laughter, her heart feeling instantly lighter. “But seriously,” the mortal continued, “you know I’ll always be here for you. No matter what. I’m here.”

Kamilah sighed happily and tilted her head up to kiss her. It occurred to her then that kissing and being kissed were two different things, and being kissed by someone you adore was something else again. She was smiling like an idiot. She knew she was, but she didn’t give a damn that her emotions were as plain as the nose on her face. It was still just so amazing to her how life went sometimes. Things could hurt, and they could hurt for a long time. But she’d learned to fight back against the things that hurt her, that kept her in the dark. She knew now that a person has to fight back against those things, or they win.

She liked this. Liked the closeness between them. With lovers she’d taken in the past, things had been short and sweet, and somewhat cold. She certainly hadn’t stuck about to snuggle or turned up at their home with out warning in case they started to get ideas. Dead women couldn’t be too careful. And she’d been dead a long time. But this... this was nice.

“I had a nightmare,” she confessed, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn’t be pushed into explaining the finest details of what she’d dreamt of if she didn’t want to, in the knowledge that what she said wouldn’t be repeated to anyone else. “It was about Gaius and when I woke up I... I could actually feel his hands beneath my nightgown. It sounds crazy because it was long ago...”

“That doesn’t sound crazy at all, Kamilah,” Anastasia reassured her, “the mind and the body remember everything. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, you carry certain things with you for a long time after the fact. Some thing just can’t be forgotten.”

A shaky sigh escaped from the back of her throat. She knew. Anastasia knew exactly what she wasn’t saying... and yet she hadn’t yet recoiled from her touch the way Kamilah had convinced herself that anyone who found out would. She hadn’t blamed her. She hadn’t pushed for her to explain or gotten angry. For a moment all Kamilah could do was lay there on her chest in silence, awestruck that none of the things she’d learned to expect from everyone had happened.

She looked up at her and she could tell with one glance, one look, one simple instant. It was in Anastasia’s eyes. Despite the lack of makeup, they were dark-rimmed, haunted, and slightly sad. Most of all though, they were familiar. She’d known because she’d experienced it too. Kamilah had spent a long time with those same eyes — scared, lost, confused — staring back at her when she looked in the mirror. She would have known them anywhere.

“I'm still so ashamed. The truth remains. I was, and am, disgusted with myself,” she confessed quietly, her arms tightening around her instinctively. “Like it was something I did. Like I somehow took advantage of how I looked. Like I made it too easy because I didn’t always say no. I was never held down kicking and screaming but I... I still felt violated. I let him care for me and I let myself care for him in some sick and twisted way despite the fact that all I ever really wished was that I was invisible to him, to everyone.”

Anastasia caressed her cheek. “Not saying no isn’t saying yes. Nothing he did to you was your fault, Kamilah.”

“I—,” she cleared her throat, the wheels in her head turning. It seemed like Anastasia’s arms was that place where she could find her soul again. Where she could touch that part of herself that she’d never dared look at before. In her entire life, she had never heard a more eloquent silence. When she did speak, her voice was so fragile that she sounded like someone else entirely than the version of herself that everyone else saw, “No one has ever said that to me before.”

“I know how it feels to blame yourself, Kami. I know how it feels like you’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either. You’re just... caught in between the two worlds. You’re a ghost with a beating heart.” 

“You do?,” she whispered, not wanting to push too hard.

Anastasia nodded. “I thought that was the worst part of it all. But for me the worst was waking up in a hospital after I tried to end it. I was fifteen and I couldn’t cope with the aftermath. My parents were there, crying. Then my mother was yelling at the doctors and nurses because I made one of her Bad Days worse. I came back wrecked. Ruined everyone's day and they never looked at me the same way after that. All I could do was promise them it wouldn’t happen again... but nobody realised what I was actually promising them.”

“You were promising your next attempt would be successful,” Kamilah said, her chest aching so much that she might’ve gone into cardiac arrest if she were mortal. “Did you...”

“No,” she smiled sadly. “I’ve gotten to the brink more times than I can even count, but I’m learning to live with it.” She kissed her forehead. “There is no avoiding it, no forgetting. No running away, or flying, or burying, or hiding, but at the end of the day you have to realise that the only person you have any control over is yourself. We are not to blame for what someone else did to us. There is nothing that we could have done to provoke that sort of behaviour.”

“I’m glad you’re still here, Annie.” She sighed. “I’ve thought about hurling myself into the sun far too often when nights like this happen. It’s just... difficult.”

Anastasia nodded and kissed her forehead. “I know it’s hard, and I’m sorry that it is. But I’m glad you’re still here, too. Without you, my life would be unbearable.”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like the things I say matter. Since I’ve mattered to anyone.“

“You’ll always matter to me.” Anastasia pressed another kiss to her head. “The things you say, the things you don’t say... all of it matters to me. I want the best of everything for you, Kamilah. It’s what you deserve.”

A single tear trickled down Kamilah’s cheek and dripped onto Anastasia’s chest. It was like for so long she had needed to hear the world but didn't want the world to know she was listening. She had survived two thousand years chained to an abusive asshole. Sometimes she’d felt as if there were no tomorrows, that everything, her whole life, was crammed into one long night. A continuous stretch of meaningless time. Sometimes she’d even wished there was no tomorrow, if the bleakness she’d faced with Gaius was all she had to look forward to.

But she was still here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how could she possibly find her way? There was no chain saw of the soul, or an axe to take away her memories or fears. No one ever had found out what was happening inside her. How the pain was eating her away. No one had ever came to her rescue, or stood up for her. But just having someone know what had happened and not only believe that it had but tell her that it wasn’t her fault... that had done more than anything ever had — it just proved that what can happen in a few minutes could change her forever, and for the better.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice overly tight and muffled into Anastasia’s chest. She glanced up at her and it felt like, with determination and purpose, she was heading into the light. “Thank you... more than I can express.”

She might’ve known Anastasia for less than a year, but when they talked, when they were together, she seemed so familiar. Despite being only twenty-two, she seemed to know who Kamilah was, where she was coming from. She knew her better than she knew herself, the vampire thought. She was so easy to be with. And she wanted to be with her, all the damn time.

“You’re a beautiful person,” Anastasia said, “and you should be so proud of who you are, of the woman you’ve fought to become, because she is wonderful. You deserve to live and live with dignity and happiness.”

Kamilah responded by kissing her harder and longer and deeper than she had ever kissed anyone else. She tasted — perhaps for the first time — the true sweetness of possibility. What did she see in her? What could Anastasia see that she didn’t? Then the mortal did a strange thing. She lifted her hand to her lips and kissed her fingers... and Kamilah practically spontaneously combusted. That may have been the sweetest gesture ever. The warmth of her mouth bloomed across the vampire’s hand, and her nails gently skimmed across the inside of her wrist. Such great sensation from so little a touch.

She wanted to confess her love for her in that moment, but the words caught in her throat. What was she afraid of, exactly? The implications of loving a mortal? A little. But that wasn't what was stopping her from confessing her feelings. It was the sheer intensity of them. The desire for her. Kamilah knew if she gave into it, she’d have to surrender herself completely. She’d lose all control. Everything she knew, everything she was, the walls she’d built up to protect herself all these years would come crashing down. She might get lost in the rubble. Yet, Anastasia made her feel alive in a way she’d only ever imagined she could feel. Bells, whistles, music, the whole goddamn circus.

“Let’s try to get some sleep now, okay?,” Anastasia whispered.

Kamilah nodded and shifted so that her face was rested against her neck. She placed a kiss against the pulse point as her eyes drifted closed. “Sweet dreams, little firefly.”

“Sweet dreams, Kami.”

Anastasia fell asleep fairly quickly, but despite being relaxed, Kamilah couldn’t leave her own head long enough to drift off. Instead she just lay there, clinging to the woman she was certain was the greatest love of her life. Without her, she would be totally alone in the world all over again.

‘Oh god,’ she thought whilst she stroked her gentle face, her receptive dream state. She didn’t know what she would do without her. She uncurled Anastasia small fist and clasped her hand to hers and noticed the way even in her sleep her fingers seemed to know their way around hers; their hands together formed their own organ, or an x, like on a map that signalled buried treasure.

‘Stop it,’ her brain screamed. ‘She’s here with you now. Thats what matters. Thats enough.’

She took a deep breath to quell her anxiety. Or... try to. She’d never needed anyone, but she needed her. Anastasia was a part of her now. The Kamilah that felt solid and sure and strong. She was the one thing in her life that kept her going, made her happy. 

And that happiness hadn't come without a price. Anastasia was a mortal who’d never expressed any desire to Turn. Kamilah didn’t know what she’d do if Anastasia decided that she didn’t want to Turn, ever. What she’d do if she grew old and she lost her only a few decades from that very moment, or if any one of the fatal illnesses that were common in mortals struck her down early, or if some terrible accident happened that cut her life short.

“Tell me you won't go,” Kamilah whispered whilst stroking her hair, being careful not to disturb her, “tell me you'll stay forever, tell me you love me.”

The first day she’d stood in the kitchen leaning against the counter watching Anastasia feed a neighbour’s cats that often stopped by, Kamilah had known she wanted to be able to do that forever: stand in kitchens watching Anastasia feed cats and bitch about the fact Lily called her ‘Annie’ at every available opportunity, and then get pissed off when Kamilah admitted she liked the nickname. Their kitchens. Their cats. Her Annie.

Beside her, Anastasia whimpered a little and rolled onto her side. She snaked an arm around Kamilah’s hip and pulled her close. This woman gave her life, she nurtured her, and Kamilah burrowed into the warm cocoon of her. She was in her, in her blood, in the marrow of her ancient bones, invading every cell in her tired body. Anastasia was the only one she wanted. She was the one she saw, felt, or desired. Unlike anyone else she’d ever loved, she loved her for her, not for what she was to her.

“Please," Kamilah whispered into the night. “Let me keep her. Let me be enough for her to want to keep me. Just... for once in my life... let me be enough.” 

\- fin.


End file.
